I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How external is "for external use only"?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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