i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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