i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
