i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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