so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
