Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
