I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
