i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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