Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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