she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
