haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize