Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
