my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
