dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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