ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize