Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize