i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
