Ketchup is God's man juice
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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