guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So many bounce houses so little time
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
