Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
