I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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