i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
