Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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