I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
