Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
