i would punch a child for taco bell
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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