Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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