obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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