Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
