"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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