I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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