Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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