My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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