I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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