I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
