at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
