I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
