First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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