i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
