She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize