Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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