its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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