I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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