ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
