3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
