So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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