someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
