Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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