My friends, they love my intelligence
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
