I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
