The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
