Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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