I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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