hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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