When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Found your dick twin last night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
