I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
