Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
did you just send me my own nude
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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