The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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