It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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