I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
