The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
