Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think my fart just growled at me.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I can't turn off my feet"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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